Judith (3)

Judith (chapter 3) 

(Special edition) part of: Aviva Magazin, 'writing girls' project. For more: Aviva-Berlin

This Jewish identity of mine gets more and more vague…

Judith was Jewish enough to hide her identity from the Nazis but not enough Jewish when she joined the BDM. 
She was enough Jewish to make Aliya flee to Israel but if her mother did not convert, then, she was not Jewish enough to be Jewish.
What if Ori`s grandmother (or mother) did lie about the conversion, what is he then? He has lived half a life thinking he is Jewish, his surrounding and his country recognized him as Jewish. Maybe that`s enough?
He wrote me that beside the fact he lived in a lie, the questions around his Jewish identity doesn`t really matter to him. Would something like that had mattered to me?

 Although iIm not religious, nor I believe in any kind of god - iIf someone asked me "are you Jewish?" my mechanically, dry answer will always be “Yes”. Why is this thing so hard for me to peal off? Maybe it`s because of this history that follows us from behind, heel after heel and landing on our shoulders only when its suits her, so heavy…and yet,
we are born and then we die. Years go faster as they pass. Why do I need to carry 6 million people on my small shoulders every time when I watch a movie at the end of the day, on my blue couch, with my German boyfriend?

Maybe because I left Israel, maybe because after you leave borders, family and friends behind, you want to be belong to something. You need to be belong to something.My therapist said that a part of us dies every time we "get rid" of a strong feeling, believe or opinion that had been assimilated into us since forever. Maybe that`s why my fear of death is so strong lately and the end look so close. Maybe parts of me are dying, and it hurts, and my flesh is slowlyexposed, this flesh thats look exactly like everyone else`s.

and so, although I do want to remember the past and to learn from it, I don`t want to live it. 
Maybe that`s why Drummer`s mom didn`t tell her son about her past and his future.
Maybe she didn`t want to make his shoulders hurt.
Maybe that`s how she died,
and maybe that why this story is so sad.

I`m still waiting for Ori to come to Berlin …

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